Last week I was in Dublin to DJ and have a few meetings. I didn't envisage the snow nor the -7 wind chill. Anyhow I was due to fly back to London at 10pm on Tuesday evening, so as usual I tend to travel light, hand luggage only. I check in online, normal procedure, get myself to the airport a good 90 minutes before my flight, glide through security who mistake my CD's for something else. Pass the test, I usually lose a moisturiser to the gestapo airport police as they contain bomb-making substances. On a 40 min flight...its hardly worth it, right. I digress..
I enter Departures, I can see my gate is 115, so off I go...then, I check again, its being changed to 112.. no problem... then there is a 30 min delay because of sleet. Time for the ipod...then I look, its gate 104. No announcements for Gate changes by the way... so I'm standing in line like a good lamb ready to board, and then unannounced (again) and I didn't expect it.. they changed to gate 103... so I go fuck... make my way to the Gate... where the woman has closed the door. Where are you flying to she says... I said Luton.. .that's my plane... I'm sorry sir, the Gate is closed...hold on lady... you changed the gate 4 times... you delayed the flight 30 minutes... and now you're telling me I can't board the plane.
YES SIR..
I watch the plane sitting on the runway for an extra 15 minutes before it takes off, minus me. It's like saying to a fat kid, there's a burger, but you can't eat it. I only wanted to go back to London, alas I had to spend another 2 days in Dublin as the airline wanted a staggering 278 Eur for a one-way ticket to London. Who is this airline you ask, who don't give a shit about its passengers, who only care about its profits, who can break all the rules on customer service... it can only be RYANAIR...or RYANMARE...no refunds...no nothing...this is the modern world... you have no rights whatsoever...take it or leave it.
Needless to say I flew back on a different airline... though I did have to take a 120 Eur hit to fly British Midland one way, then you have the Heathrow rip off express at £18..
Finally I'm back in London for 24hrs... its travel time again, Easter Weekend. This time to Liverpool+Manchester on a weekend DJ thing with Alan + Jamie. Only one way to go... the train... ah, good old British Rail... well it's not British Rail is it, it's privatised, as only the British could do. Here we have a perfectly good train system that used to be the envy of the world, but we'll sell it off as we can't be arsed to upgrade the track, and we don't only sell it to one company...no sirree...we'll tender it to whoever gives us... (the State) the most money...ah...money, money, money.
I arrive with no problems.. THE weekend passes off with no hiccups..
EASTER SUNDAY travel day... Now, I'm well aware that the trains always manage to disrupt peoples lives on one of the busiest weekends of the year. Friends and families unite nationwide to celebrate a HOLY time. What I didn't envisage was what happened next. Liverpool to Manchester...on a Bournemouth train. Manchester to Stafford on a Birmingham train. Stafford to Rugby...where I need to charge my mobile. As its a Sunday I'll go for the £15 weekend First Class upgrade. I explain to the ticket seller, that I'm only doing this for a cuppa and a place to charge my mobile, he assures me VIRGIN are running a First Class service all weekend. OK...I buy the ticket. I get off at RUGBY... no trains. WHAT? Sir...we have a coach service to take you to Milton Keynes... G-r-e-a-t I say.. What's another 50 minutes when you've already done 3 hours.
Anyhow, off I go...arrive in Milton Keynes...grab a sandwich, and a paper. I wait for the Virgin train so I can continue my First Class experience. I can see there are two trains due, bound for London. I ask one of the numptys... and there are plenty to choose from, idling around track side. Excuse me...can you tell me when the Virgin train is due, and which end of the platform are the First Class carriages located…SORRY SIR came the reply, there is no First Class service this weekend as we are only running a shuttle service...HOLD ON...I purchased a First Class upgrade for that reason...SIR, you can take any train to LONDON, we suggest you take the first one.. but its a London Midland train. It doesn't matter which company, just get on the train.
So I'm on the train for 10 minutes...and here comes the conductor...a WOMAN...Tickets please...so I hand her a bunch...YOUR TICKET ISN'T VALID she spouts... listen lady, I say...I have FIVE tickets...I have a First Class upgrade..(First Class she says...what DID YOU EXPECT...I expect a first class service I reply not a fifth class one. I've had a mare of a day... so please don't make it any worse. YOU HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER TICKET... NO, I reply...I will not...I have bought enough tickets. Well, in that case you have to get off at the next stop...NO CHANCE, I REPLY. So off she trots. I didn't leave the train...So she's back again...I have informed the police she says. WHAtttttt.. What.. IT'S EASTER SUNDAY...I have tickets. This is a London Midland train...so...I was told I have to get on the FIRST train. I was told this at Milton Keynes... sorry sir...I know nothing about this...and you have to leave at the next station...FUCKING HELL...this is UK 2010...up marches Mr Plod...and I'm frogmarched off the train at WATFORD JUNCTION...I'm well pissed off...but calm...so I look for the exit. How the fuck am I gonna get outta Watford on an Easter Sunday...two more numptys at the exit.
TICKETS...here...I have FIVE tickets...which train did you get off...I dunno...I got thrown off a London Midland one by the police I reply. Why? And here I go.. London to Manchester, Manchester to Stafford, Stafford to Rugby, Rugby to Milton Keynes by bus. Milton Keynes to here...and they agree in unison...that's TERRIBLE...well we know that EINSTEINS...what are you gonna do about it...they both shrug and say NOTHING. I had to get a pal to pick me up to get home...6hrs+30 mins later.
GREAT BRITAIN...don't make me fucking laugh...you couldn't run a TAP. As for CUSTOMER SERVICE...go back to school and learn what each word means..
© Words – Paul Gallagher/ ZANI
